ithinkminh

A vacation to hot Houston and spending quality time with friends and family had awoken something in me.  New thoughts, new ideas, new feelings, I am changed for the better.  It was not just a getaway; it was a wakeup call, a call to action. 

Insanity, doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome.  We do this to ourselves when it comes to our career, our love life, raising our children, caring for our parents, communicating with a friend.  As an individual, a community, a country, we have a learning issue.  I will cover the professional aspects of my ‘insane’ choices to life.

Wakeup, bathroom, drive to work, get coffee, meetings, go to subway, bathroom, write reports, surf the web, look at clock, drive home.  Repeat.  Do this four to five times a week, and receive paycheck every two weeks.  Have a review once or twice a year; get a mini bonus, and slight 3%, 5% salary increase.  This has been my experience for the past three years, going on fourth.  If I do not change my actions, and choices, I will continue to do this for an unforeseeable period of at least 5 years, I work in a stable career work environment.  What is wrong with this picture?  Nothing at all!  Except for the fact that there will never be a huge salary increase, there will never be a big payday, I am stuck in mediocrity.  The only way out of this are:

1. Find a career path that’s accelerates into ever higher paying positions and pay grades.  That means finding a new job/promotion every 2-3 years.
2. Start my own company and own my own income stream, which can be both active and passive income.

Both of these options seem difficult, risky, and dangerous.  The answer is obvious, and it is only a matter of time before I leave mediocrity, and onto the path of a different choice.  It will be hard, and I will persist because who know why?  What is the worst that could happen?  I can always find another 9/5 job, and return to mediocrity. 

When was the last time I was happy?  Does my life just suck like grass?  Is my life just a chain of unfortunate events?  Life is full of misery, just look around you.  People are sick, student loans overwhelming, cars need fixing, kids are crying, flowers wilting, and puppies are dying.  Even the Greeks are having their own Greek tragedy.  It does feel like there is a gray cloud of doom and gloom on the horizon. 

This morning, when I woke up to get ready for work, something didn’t seem right. My body was aching, and I had a slight headache developing.  Brushing off these physical signs of fatigue, I slugged my way to work.  As soon as I got to work, I made a beeline to the bathroom because I was feeling so nauseous and dizzy. My head was throbbing, my neck was stiff.  All I could think of was wanting to be at home, to be in bed, to be asleep, to end it all.  After what felt like a tormenting 10 minutes, I went back to my cubical and dropped two Excedrin into my mouth.  As the pills were washed down with water, I read the label (temporarily relieves minor aches and pains dues to headache and muscular aches.)  A shotgun would have done the job permanently. 

It’s precisely at moments like this when I think to myself.  Self, just be happier and healthier.  It’s the simple victories in life that makes life worth living.  Yesterday, I was laying next to my husband.  He looked at rest, content, happy.  He was already half asleep; I told him I loved him, to which he mumbled something unintelligible.  I’m blessed to have found someone who loves me, just the way that I am.  I know that I can be difficult, moody, sensitive, pigheaded, contrarian, and downright stupid.  I have my moments. I have my faults, I’m fallible, and yet I have found love.  Thank you for loving me.  I have found love, I have received love, I have returned love (the thought of love temporarily relieves minor aches and pains).  

Happiness, just let go and be happy.  Staying in touch with friends, having honest conversations with family, going on a walk with puppy, having a glass of wine midday, tinkering with electronics, making colorful tasty food, listening to classical music, going grocery shopping at midnight, finding deals, hugs  and kisses, these are a few of my favorite things. 

My empty stomach is reacting to the Excedrin, that uneasy feeling of gloom and despair is upon me.   Soon my body will tense up, another beeline session to the bathroom.  The physical struggle to hold down the sensation to vomit.  Cough, gasping for air.  Fingers feeling limp, mercurial taste in my mouth, bloodshot eyes, knees hitting concrete, hands gripping head.  I’m having a migraine episode, it’s like having nail to your head, and needles  jabbed in the back of your neck.  Stressors of life, be damned, I just $#%ED myself.  Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. Cupcakes, clouds, puppies, cupcakes, clouds, puppies. 

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.  This sounds ludicrous at first glance, but when you dig a little bit deeper, I think that a lot of people would agree with that statement.  But what does being true to yourself even mean?  We live/work such busy lives that we do even stop to consider what is most important anymore, I don’t regret my life, but I have a long ways to go before I’m really living the life true to myself.

I find that I really enjoy cooking, design, photography, family, and nature.  My current job as an analyst allows me to be somewhat creative and carefree. But I’m not really doing what I truly want.  Sometimes, I stop and think why it’s so hard to cut the financial rope.  I’m not going to die if I quit my job tomorrow, in fact nothing terrible would occur if I were to lose my job. Then why it’s that most of us, wait until we are fired, let go, suffocated from our job, before I even blink to try to do something else.  I’m tied to my job, because I want the financial security, the paycheck, the healthcare benefits.

How can I be more true to myself? I can take more photos with my Nikon D90 more frequently.  I can start a side business taking photos, and editing photos. Because I’m actually pretty good at it, because I enjoy it and it doesn’t seem like work.  I’ve already taken the first step of incorporating a business, I always thought that it was going to be complicated, but in fact it was really easy. I have a business bank account, I have a business credit card. I’m ready to start! Hello world, “I’m ready, are you ready for me?”

I’m not super excited about my life right now. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not the life I could be living.  I could be volunteering more, I could be more helpful, I could be living in a different country, I could be having a different profession. I could be living in a different house, driving a different car. Yes, I could be doing all of these thing but are they really what I want? I don’t know. 

As I’m writing this, I feel like I have written these exact words before as I was entering college, after I finished college, before I got promoted.  How do I know that I have arrived, if I don’t know where it’s that I’m going?  Am I even going anywhere, or I am simply moving because everything around me is moving.  I think that it helps me to be true to myself, if I have friends and associates that are true to themselves.  Being authentic is hard, when it’s so easy to put on a face, put on makeup, hide behind clothes and accessories, hide behind our jobs and careers, hide behind our degrees and authorities.  Being authentic is making the hard decision.  Being authentic is raising the tough questions.  Be authentic is admitting that I don’t know very much about anything, and that I need help in almost everything that I do.  I’m authentic,  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true myself.