ithinkminh

When was the last time I was happy?  Does my life just suck like grass?  Is my life just a chain of unfortunate events?  Life is full of misery, just look around you.  People are sick, student loans overwhelming, cars need fixing, kids are crying, flowers wilting, and puppies are dying.  Even the Greeks are having their own Greek tragedy.  It does feel like there is a gray cloud of doom and gloom on the horizon. 

This morning, when I woke up to get ready for work, something didn’t seem right. My body was aching, and I had a slight headache developing.  Brushing off these physical signs of fatigue, I slugged my way to work.  As soon as I got to work, I made a beeline to the bathroom because I was feeling so nauseous and dizzy. My head was throbbing, my neck was stiff.  All I could think of was wanting to be at home, to be in bed, to be asleep, to end it all.  After what felt like a tormenting 10 minutes, I went back to my cubical and dropped two Excedrin into my mouth.  As the pills were washed down with water, I read the label (temporarily relieves minor aches and pains dues to headache and muscular aches.)  A shotgun would have done the job permanently. 

It’s precisely at moments like this when I think to myself.  Self, just be happier and healthier.  It’s the simple victories in life that makes life worth living.  Yesterday, I was laying next to my husband.  He looked at rest, content, happy.  He was already half asleep; I told him I loved him, to which he mumbled something unintelligible.  I’m blessed to have found someone who loves me, just the way that I am.  I know that I can be difficult, moody, sensitive, pigheaded, contrarian, and downright stupid.  I have my moments. I have my faults, I’m fallible, and yet I have found love.  Thank you for loving me.  I have found love, I have received love, I have returned love (the thought of love temporarily relieves minor aches and pains).  

Happiness, just let go and be happy.  Staying in touch with friends, having honest conversations with family, going on a walk with puppy, having a glass of wine midday, tinkering with electronics, making colorful tasty food, listening to classical music, going grocery shopping at midnight, finding deals, hugs  and kisses, these are a few of my favorite things. 

My empty stomach is reacting to the Excedrin, that uneasy feeling of gloom and despair is upon me.   Soon my body will tense up, another beeline session to the bathroom.  The physical struggle to hold down the sensation to vomit.  Cough, gasping for air.  Fingers feeling limp, mercurial taste in my mouth, bloodshot eyes, knees hitting concrete, hands gripping head.  I’m having a migraine episode, it’s like having nail to your head, and needles  jabbed in the back of your neck.  Stressors of life, be damned, I just $#%ED myself.  Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. Cupcakes, clouds, puppies, cupcakes, clouds, puppies. 

Humans are complex creatures more than any other known living things on this planet, Earth.  For all of our infinite wisdoms about metaphysics, biology, the constitution, and derivatives of derivatives.  We forever longed to understand the human emotion, the human soul.  We often use metaphors to communicate that special ‘butterfly feeling’ or that ‘anxious sweaty nauseous puking end of the world’ or ‘happy as a lark’ sensation.  Maybe we don’t need to communicate at all our feeling, after all  we do have tears of sadness, smiles, laughter, angry sound, raging eyes to communicate all that is that we want to say?  And yet with the power of complex human language, physical expressions, technology and tools at our disposal, often times, we fail to communicate what it’s that our heart wants to scream out the most.  I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Why it’s that children are most happy? I think the reason why they are most happy is because they are able to readily experience and express what it’s that they are feeling.  They have make laugher and other gurgle sounds because they are so happy.  They cry and scream when pained and upset.  Life was simpler when we were children.  The complexity of growing up, the nuances of culture, history, and tradition make it more difficult to express true feelings anymore.  The act of articulating all of this in and of itself as an exercise removes me from being able to really describe what I really feel like at this very moment. 

Stop! no really stop, drop whatever it’s that you are doing, texting, reading something else, drinking, smoking, face booking, fucking, and just breathe.  When was the last time you were truly happy, truly loved. It’s been a long time huh?  The last time that I was really loved was also the one of the saddest moments of my life.

He holds my hands, my soft, long fingered, effeminate hands.  Why was I there, I was just sitting there.  There were only a few other people around, my closest family members.   I was reliving my happiest memories of my mom in my head, who was but a few feet away from me, beautiful, cold, lifeless.   

I was trying to immortalize our time together, with quick flash backs, when she gave me piggy back rides, when she would hold my hands when we crossed a busy street, when she washed my curly hair.  I love the blue tee-shirt that my mom used to wear, it had the a little care bear that was worn out, it had her scent on it. And then I would cry, tears bursting, I love her so much I was gasping.  When I was older, I would often give my mom back rubs because her shoulders hurt.  Often time, I would only do a half ass job because I was a lazy bum.  We would watch PBS together at midnight, and the travel channel, and the animals, she loved the animals.  I love that she would still tuck me in, and we would hug, she had the most loving honey brown eyes.  

“Mom, I love you. I think about you all the time, I hear your voices in my head.  I tried to tell you that I love you as much as I could  when you were around.  I’m thankful for all the moments we had together.  I’m angry that you left me, but we had a good 25 years together.  There are so many things I want to tell you, there are so many things you won’t be able to experience with me. But I know you’ll be looking out after me and our family from above. I know that you are in a better place now, and that make me happy.”

These are the things that I wanted to say OUTLOUD, but all I could do was think about  them over and over again in my head.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to roll on the ground, I was having my kid moment.

Instead, I was just sitting there crying not crying.  I wanted time alone, I didn’t want to be alone, because I get scared easily.  I was horrified, hysteric, I was gripping into his arms.  I was angry, sad, hungry, raw.  Just being there, being there to experience my kid moment with me. That was the single most important, loving, and profound thing he could do. To see me in my true form, to feel my heart throbbing.  To look into my wet eyes and understand.  I was speaking the universal language of grief and sadness.  He was speaking the language of love and support.  I had the courage to express my feelings when it was most important.