A Chinese fortune cookie, “You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.” How timely this little message comes to me. I am not an overly superstitious person, but I choose to believe that this is a message from the heavens. There has just been so much going on my little world these past few months, and the ‘situation’ is still evolving. It’s fascinatingly fluid, and I’m ready to jump at a moment’s notice.
On the subject of superstition, I confess that my mother had a strong influence on my belief. Believing that funerals were somehow mystical and that it had negative energy, I was never allowed to go to one. “Never bring a baby or young children to funerals as evil spirits can irritate them,” those are my mother’s teachings. To this day, I’ve only attended one, my mother’s funeral.
We had other super superstitions like; it’s bad luck to shower on the first of the year. Why? Because you are washing away good luck, good fortune, and good spirit. I don’t really understand this, but imagine a whole culture where the majority does not take a shower for a particular day.
Lastly, whenever you bite your tongue, or was it hiccup? Someone somewhere is reminding you of something you had forgotten about. My mother taught these wisdoms to me. I don’t know if I believe all the things that she said, if there were any nuggets of truths to any of them. These are the conversations, the bonds, the language, and culture of another of another time and place, when things were simpler.
Things are more complicated now in my life with more moving pieces and responsibilities. Sometimes I ached for easier. No scientific methods needed, a timely message from a fortune cookie lifted my spirit however momentarily, I was having a conversation with my mother.
A vacation to hot Houston and spending quality time with friends and family had awoken something in me. New thoughts, new ideas, new feelings, I am changed for the better. It was not just a getaway; it was a wakeup call, a call to action.
Insanity, doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. We do this to ourselves when it comes to our career, our love life, raising our children, caring for our parents, communicating with a friend. As an individual, a community, a country, we have a learning issue. I will cover the professional aspects of my ‘insane’ choices to life.
Wakeup, bathroom, drive to work, get coffee, meetings, go to subway, bathroom, write reports, surf the web, look at clock, drive home. Repeat. Do this four to five times a week, and receive paycheck every two weeks. Have a review once or twice a year; get a mini bonus, and slight 3%, 5% salary increase. This has been my experience for the past three years, going on fourth. If I do not change my actions, and choices, I will continue to do this for an unforeseeable period of at least 5 years, I work in a stable career work environment. What is wrong with this picture? Nothing at all! Except for the fact that there will never be a huge salary increase, there will never be a big payday, I am stuck in mediocrity. The only way out of this are:
Both of these options seem difficult, risky, and dangerous. The answer is obvious, and it is only a matter of time before I leave mediocrity, and onto the path of a different choice. It will be hard, and I will persist because who know why? What is the worst that could happen? I can always find another 9/5 job, and return to mediocrity.
Only after studying it deeply, dissecting the problem, understanding the problem, internalizing the problem, and attacking it from all angles and direction do we hope come up with a solution. It’s often too easy to throw around solutions and suggest ideas when you don’t know too much about the problem. I had started this blog post some time ago, and never got around to finishing it. I first intended to write about the creative process between problems/solutions. Now, I will focus on the different aspect of accepting that sometimes, you have to put fire out with fire.
Sometime the easiest thing to do is also the hardest. The current debate about America’s debt will continue for some time because the worst has yet to come. With each passing month and escalating debt to foreigners, as a nation there will be less options, and more difficult choices.
The fact is that our expenses as a nation towards carrying out two war campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan have cost us over a trillion dollars. That is many trillions in terms of the opportunity cost to put that capital to use elsewhere building infrastructure, basic research, renewable energy and many other projects. The choices are clear; we must withdraw from these regions, as it is too costly. If we apply a strict cost/benefit analysis to these activities, we are not getting a return on our investments. Capital can be better utilized elsewhere. The United States does not have infinite resources, for all intended purposes we are pretending to be bigger, larger, better than we actually are, and the cracks are showing.
Social Security and Medicare will bankrupt the United States. We have some of the highest healthcare utilization rate in the world; we spend more dollars per capital than any other advance nations. We do not have the best national healthcare system, and more money spent on healthcare does not equate to better patient outcomes. Eventually the retirement age will have to increase from 65,67,69. I don’t know why people are so up at arms about this, just ask retirees what they are doing in retirement. Working! Or trying to find work. Social security alone will not afford most people a comfortable living. The poorest segments of society are often the elderly. I’m going to write a separate post about this in the future.
Social Security and Medicare are lightning rods, you touch it you pretty much end your political career. Why is that? Because baby boomers vote, and they are well represented in government. A cut to Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid would bring down the federal expenditure drastically. But that’s asking a lot of the baby boomer and the elderly, effectively the rules of the retirement game are changed right before their eyes, and they aren’t going to drink that medicine. As a society, we are asking this segment to make a large sacrifice, and it simply isn’t fair, they have done so much to build this nation over the past 60 years.
A modest proposal would be for the US to default on its debts. In some ways, this is fairer to everybody because it makes capital more expensive for everyone from the international market, to us treasuries, to state bonds, to US corporate bonds, to small business loans, to mortgages. Yes, everything will be more expensive, but at least it is more expensive for everyone. In addition, seeing the devastating impacts to jobs, employment, and trade will open people’s eyes to make the hard choices. In the end, the United States will have a stronger balance sheet. This has never occurred before on a systemic level, so reactions are unpredictable. International lenders are going to be hurt the most, notability China, with current holding over 1.5 trillion dollars alone. It might plunge the world into a global depression. But you know what? If as a society we allow for personal bankruptcy, corporate bankruptcy, municipal bankruptcy, state bankruptcy, why can’t the United State declare bankruptcy?
When was the last time I was happy? Does my life just suck like grass? Is my life just a chain of unfortunate events? Life is full of misery, just look around you. People are sick, student loans overwhelming, cars need fixing, kids are crying, flowers wilting, and puppies are dying. Even the Greeks are having their own Greek tragedy. It does feel like there is a gray cloud of doom and gloom on the horizon.
This morning, when I woke up to get ready for work, something didn’t seem right. My body was aching, and I had a slight headache developing. Brushing off these physical signs of fatigue, I slugged my way to work. As soon as I got to work, I made a beeline to the bathroom because I was feeling so nauseous and dizzy. My head was throbbing, my neck was stiff. All I could think of was wanting to be at home, to be in bed, to be asleep, to end it all. After what felt like a tormenting 10 minutes, I went back to my cubical and dropped two Excedrin into my mouth. As the pills were washed down with water, I read the label (temporarily relieves minor aches and pains dues to headache and muscular aches.) A shotgun would have done the job permanently.
It’s precisely at moments like this when I think to myself. Self, just be happier and healthier. It’s the simple victories in life that makes life worth living. Yesterday, I was laying next to my husband. He looked at rest, content, happy. He was already half asleep; I told him I loved him, to which he mumbled something unintelligible. I’m blessed to have found someone who loves me, just the way that I am. I know that I can be difficult, moody, sensitive, pigheaded, contrarian, and downright stupid. I have my moments. I have my faults, I’m fallible, and yet I have found love. Thank you for loving me. I have found love, I have received love, I have returned love (the thought of love temporarily relieves minor aches and pains).
Happiness, just let go and be happy. Staying in touch with friends, having honest conversations with family, going on a walk with puppy, having a glass of wine midday, tinkering with electronics, making colorful tasty food, listening to classical music, going grocery shopping at midnight, finding deals, hugs and kisses, these are a few of my favorite things.
My empty stomach is reacting to the Excedrin, that uneasy feeling of gloom and despair is upon me. Soon my body will tense up, another beeline session to the bathroom. The physical struggle to hold down the sensation to vomit. Cough, gasping for air. Fingers feeling limp, mercurial taste in my mouth, bloodshot eyes, knees hitting concrete, hands gripping head. I’m having a migraine episode, it’s like having nail to your head, and needles jabbed in the back of your neck. Stressors of life, be damned, I just $#%ED myself. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. Cupcakes, clouds, puppies, cupcakes, clouds, puppies.
Quirky, Interesting, Happy, creative. loving. funny. Original. Open. Ambitious. Tangerine. Romantic. Black. Motivated. Emo. Artistic. Determined. Smooth. smile. Productive. Metro. Viet. Crisp. Virgo. Chocolate. mint. franco. Driven. SEXY. Power. Dork. Technology. Epic. Rain. cry. cuddle. Soft. kiss. puppy. ticklish. cherry. Wings. fly. White. pure. feathers. Roses. thorn. pain. Clouds. chaos. snuggle. smile.
The sky is gray, the wind is still, there’s fresh snow on the ground. 2075, I will be 90 years old and dead. I don’t often think about when I’m going to die, or the method of my death. What I do bring up frequently is ‘the list.’ The list of people who will be there, all that remains in the final weeks, days, minutes, love and relationship.
When my family moved to the United States, March 1994, my whole world as I knew was uprooted. I was like the daffodil that got blown around the world and landed in small, quaint, cozy, Nebraska. I vaguely remember my childhood friends up until I was 8, but those memories have slowly corroded by time and space. The list won’t include any of those people.
I first started learning English in the 3rd grade. There were people that wanted to be my friends because I was weird, new, and interesting. One person really stood out, his name is Corey. We looked similar, had similar boyish interest. He had that gentleness and happiness about him. I remember the times when I came over to visit, he would feed me rice with milk and cinnamon. He thought I would like it, I didn’t. We played basketball, I wasn’t very good. Thinking back I don’t really know him all that well, he’s but a figment of my imagination of the perfect childhood friend. We grew apart as Junior High approached, I wasn’t one of the cool kids anymore. I couldn’t keep up with the trends, the clothes, the bleached hairs, the skater punk rock. I was stuck in my own little world of teenage angst and family issues. Before you know it, Corey was out of my life, I have no idea what has happened to him, I hear unconfirmed tragic rumors. He and I are not the same person we once were, but I bet we could still reconnect. I wished I had stayed in touch with him, I don’t know if he’ll be at my funeral.
My longest continuous friendship is with Muriel. It was around the 3rd grade that she would chase me around the playground and make me sing. I was terrified, I thought she was weird. We shared many common interest in drama, music, challenging classes. We spent a lot of time together on special projects, I guess that was the basis of our friendship. We were friends, partners, and competitors. The long hours working on the History Day Competition project, researching, perfecting, practicing. We got second place. We were young, stupid, we built entire mockup cities out of cardboard and foam with sharp objects, and toxic fume spray paints. We didn’t even place for that challenge. Beyond school work, we did have an emotional connection. At one point, I was the subject of a love triangle. Muriel and I dated for a long while. We didn’t do anything physical, I was confused, scared, anxious, mortified. I ended our relationship, I told her I was gay. I remember still it was awkward, she hugged me, we didn’t talk for a while after that. Throughout high school, we remained great friends. We even went to Prom, dinner, danced, and kissed. I wished that we were closer, talked more deeply, invested more time into each other’s life. For what it’s worth, it’s still an evolving friendship and one that I will work to keep. She’ll be at my funeral.
The many people that I have let into my life during college, volunteer groups, neighbors, coworkers, exes. Will they be there to support me, will they be there to encourage me, will they be there to bail me out, will they be there to share life experiences and make new memories with me? Will they still be alive, will they remember me? What about all of the relationships that I have yet to encounter. I don’t want to be on my death bed wishing that I had stayed in touch. Today, I’m committed to developing, nurturing, and growing these personal connections. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
Humans are complex creatures more than any other known living things on this planet, Earth. For all of our infinite wisdoms about metaphysics, biology, the constitution, and derivatives of derivatives. We forever longed to understand the human emotion, the human soul. We often use metaphors to communicate that special ‘butterfly feeling’ or that ‘anxious sweaty nauseous puking end of the world’ or ‘happy as a lark’ sensation. Maybe we don’t need to communicate at all our feeling, after all we do have tears of sadness, smiles, laughter, angry sound, raging eyes to communicate all that is that we want to say? And yet with the power of complex human language, physical expressions, technology and tools at our disposal, often times, we fail to communicate what it’s that our heart wants to scream out the most. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Why it’s that children are most happy? I think the reason why they are most happy is because they are able to readily experience and express what it’s that they are feeling. They have make laugher and other gurgle sounds because they are so happy. They cry and scream when pained and upset. Life was simpler when we were children. The complexity of growing up, the nuances of culture, history, and tradition make it more difficult to express true feelings anymore. The act of articulating all of this in and of itself as an exercise removes me from being able to really describe what I really feel like at this very moment.
Stop! no really stop, drop whatever it’s that you are doing, texting, reading something else, drinking, smoking, face booking, fucking, and just breathe. When was the last time you were truly happy, truly loved. It’s been a long time huh? The last time that I was really loved was also the one of the saddest moments of my life.
He holds my hands, my soft, long fingered, effeminate hands. Why was I there, I was just sitting there. There were only a few other people around, my closest family members. I was reliving my happiest memories of my mom in my head, who was but a few feet away from me, beautiful, cold, lifeless.
I was trying to immortalize our time together, with quick flash backs, when she gave me piggy back rides, when she would hold my hands when we crossed a busy street, when she washed my curly hair. I love the blue tee-shirt that my mom used to wear, it had the a little care bear that was worn out, it had her scent on it. And then I would cry, tears bursting, I love her so much I was gasping. When I was older, I would often give my mom back rubs because her shoulders hurt. Often time, I would only do a half ass job because I was a lazy bum. We would watch PBS together at midnight, and the travel channel, and the animals, she loved the animals. I love that she would still tuck me in, and we would hug, she had the most loving honey brown eyes.
“Mom, I love you. I think about you all the time, I hear your voices in my head. I tried to tell you that I love you as much as I could when you were around. I’m thankful for all the moments we had together. I’m angry that you left me, but we had a good 25 years together. There are so many things I want to tell you, there are so many things you won’t be able to experience with me. But I know you’ll be looking out after me and our family from above. I know that you are in a better place now, and that make me happy.”
These are the things that I wanted to say OUTLOUD, but all I could do was think about them over and over again in my head. I wanted to scream, I wanted to roll on the ground, I was having my kid moment.
Instead, I was just sitting there crying not crying. I wanted time alone, I didn’t want to be alone, because I get scared easily. I was horrified, hysteric, I was gripping into his arms. I was angry, sad, hungry, raw. Just being there, being there to experience my kid moment with me. That was the single most important, loving, and profound thing he could do. To see me in my true form, to feel my heart throbbing. To look into my wet eyes and understand. I was speaking the universal language of grief and sadness. He was speaking the language of love and support. I had the courage to express my feelings when it was most important.
I wish I didn’t work so hard. Born in the year of the Ox according to Chinese Astrology, I proud myself in being a hard worker, I have been a hard worker all my life. Society rewards those that work hard. Successful people are often quote saying things like, “There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” But does working hard really result in being more successful? I’m beginning to not believe in that mantra as much anymore. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I’m just going to slack off, I think I might get ill from that because it’s so out of character, being an Ox and all. Let’s look at some test cases to demonstrate this point that working harder doesn’t result in greater success or happiness. My family and every single individuals in my immediate family would by any standards be considered hard working people. I wish that we didn’t have to work so hard, maybe things would be different. My father worked as a laborer at ConAgra Frozen Foods when we first arrived to the United States 17 years ago. Although young at the time, I remembered his wet hair, and completely soaked tee shirt discolored and aged like coffee paper. He would often complained of back and shoulder pain and yet with physical therapy he continued on, like an old rusty engine that run, but you have that queasy feeling that it could give out unexpectedly. When my father couldn’t keep up with that demanding job anymore, he found work as a colored print shop technician. He didn’t have a single clean shirt or pant. You can see the color pigments stuck to his fingernails, hair, and skin after work. Of course they wear masks at work, but it makes you wonder if the stuff coats his lungs as well. My father who came to the States many years ago, who still doesn’t English, and walk with a limp, but too proud to use an assistive walking stick, worked hard and paid his dues. He did what he had to do to take care of the family, like the lone wolf looking after the pack. Maybe he worked a little bit too hard. My mother worked hard all her life. Work was all that she knew. Born into working, born into physical manual labor, that was my mother’s way of life. My mother stands 4 foot 10 inches, weights 105lbs. That’s about how much a 4th or 5th grader is in physical attributes. She lasted at ConAgra longer than my dad, she made big men cry. She would pick up extra shifts, and would sometimes work all 7 days. She would cook, clean, and cook day and night, maybe she was a bit crazy, maybe work drove her mad. She was a happy person, she smiled often, and she ate a lot! She worked at ConAgra even after she became very seriously sick, and we had no idea. My mom never got her retirement, she deteriorated away in a relatively short period. She worked way too hard. Looking back I wished that I had been more helpful, not that I was ever a problematic child, I was a contentious child, but I was just a child. Had I been more helpful, my parents wouldn’t have had to work so hard. Had I been less needy of material things, maybe my mom wouldn’t have worked all those extra Saturdays and Sundays. I’m extremely gracious for all the things that my parents have done for me, all the sacrifices that were made. Looking back, had I been more understanding of our situation instead of comparing myself to others; my parents wouldn’t have been pressured to work so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This sounds ludicrous at first glance, but when you dig a little bit deeper, I think that a lot of people would agree with that statement. But what does being true to yourself even mean? We live/work such busy lives that we do even stop to consider what is most important anymore, I don’t regret my life, but I have a long ways to go before I’m really living the life true to myself.
I find that I really enjoy cooking, design, photography, family, and nature. My current job as an analyst allows me to be somewhat creative and carefree. But I’m not really doing what I truly want. Sometimes, I stop and think why it’s so hard to cut the financial rope. I’m not going to die if I quit my job tomorrow, in fact nothing terrible would occur if I were to lose my job. Then why it’s that most of us, wait until we are fired, let go, suffocated from our job, before I even blink to try to do something else. I’m tied to my job, because I want the financial security, the paycheck, the healthcare benefits.
How can I be more true to myself? I can take more photos with my Nikon D90 more frequently. I can start a side business taking photos, and editing photos. Because I’m actually pretty good at it, because I enjoy it and it doesn’t seem like work. I’ve already taken the first step of incorporating a business, I always thought that it was going to be complicated, but in fact it was really easy. I have a business bank account, I have a business credit card. I’m ready to start! Hello world, “I’m ready, are you ready for me?”
I’m not super excited about my life right now. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not the life I could be living. I could be volunteering more, I could be more helpful, I could be living in a different country, I could be having a different profession. I could be living in a different house, driving a different car. Yes, I could be doing all of these thing but are they really what I want? I don’t know.
As I’m writing this, I feel like I have written these exact words before as I was entering college, after I finished college, before I got promoted. How do I know that I have arrived, if I don’t know where it’s that I’m going? Am I even going anywhere, or I am simply moving because everything around me is moving. I think that it helps me to be true to myself, if I have friends and associates that are true to themselves. Being authentic is hard, when it’s so easy to put on a face, put on makeup, hide behind clothes and accessories, hide behind our jobs and careers, hide behind our degrees and authorities. Being authentic is making the hard decision. Being authentic is raising the tough questions. Be authentic is admitting that I don’t know very much about anything, and that I need help in almost everything that I do. I’m authentic, I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true myself.
For instance, a potential employee sends a signal to the market about their abilities by acquiring higher education at a prestigious university. The informational value of the credential comes from the fact that the employer assumes it is positively correlated with having greater ability. The assumption is that a graduate of a prestigious university will be a high producer/ profitable to the company. If that’s a little abstract let’s take a look at everyday life. We all send signals by the things we wear, what we drive, and how we look. Some of these things are harder to dress up than others. Physical attributes send signals to the market about fertility, desirability, and attractiveness. Your level of desirability has less to do with how A values B, but more to do with how A observes C, D, and E value’s of B. Almost everything that we do that send a strong signal to the market, potential employer, future mates, friends, and family cost us valuable time, energy, and money. The more time, energy, and money it takes to send a signal, the more reliable and trusting the buyer of the information will be of the information. Social Media disrupts this basic fundamental. IT LOWERS the cost of signaling, and by the same token increases the trust of the information, because of the in-network affect. Then vs. Now The point is that there has been a fundamental shift, and that social media has lowered the cost to send a reliable signal. It has amplified and made more efficient the information shared. At the same time, it has also created a lot of noise. No longer is the information sent trusted as much in bite size, but must be evaluated in its entirety. The burden is now on the buyer of the information to be more rigorous with fact checking, information scanning, and focusing in on pieces of information that are worthwhile. Disregarding the froth, buzz, and babble.