At 23 I'm on my way up the corporate ladder right? Even though corporate life isn't like it was 20 years ago. There much more lateral movement today, and people are more versatile in their work function. There are also important changes like the general economy is just more volatile, so the entire company could collapse faster then I can transition to a new career. No longer is there job security, although I'm not the type to be seeking a secure job for life anyway. I'm anxious, excited, and frighten at the prospect of having many careers in my life. But then again I do have a "lifetime" to figure it out.

The funny thing is that I'm working in a "cushy" government job right now with great benefit and all the bureaucracy. So if I just stay here for the rest of my life, which would be one scenario, I could slowly move up the food chain, fairly slowly. I've got to wait until someone dies and take their spot. Or wait for some change in government where they ax/move people around, or form new divisions. Crazy stuff I know. Government does have a bad taste, but it's not too bad. At Iowa Medicaid they run a tight ship, and the communication is fairly straightforward, and decision points are laid out. And we're not afraid to try new technologies either, yay! I'm the technologist here, and they love me.

Going back to just working in this job adjusted for inflation and income change. I could retire well by my expected retirement date of August 25, 2050. I know! I have that date on my paystub, or something, I see it all the time, reminding me that I have to work for another 41 years. During that time I would have made over 2 million dollars, that sounds like a lot of money doesn't it? It doesn't seem that much. I'm not living on the street or anything, but I'm not exactly living the middle class life either. Well maybe I'm, I don't even know what that is. I don't have a hubby, or a dog, so I guess I don't fit that mold just yet.

Doing what you love so it doesn't feel like working. I can honestly say that most days at work I don't feel like I'm doing work at all, and that times flies by really fast.
One can interpret that as I sit on my ass all day and get nothing done, or I'm not on my ass all day doing so much work that time just blows by. Actually it's a combination of both. I like to keep busy, so even when I don't have lots of work, I'm reading up on future trends from the Center of Medicare/ Medicaid news bulletin, and or from the Office of the Inspector General. Some big stuff coming out of them lately, that impacts the integrity of the Medicaid world. So I've got to keep on top of things, so I can have some talking points. =D

Tags: Work, Jobs, CMS, OIG

We all have but a limited amount of time on this earth to live and to achieve all the earthly things before we die! Fro the first 18 years of my life, i did things that my parents felt best for me. Thus that's how most people begin their life. I call this the first lifetime. My second life time would be from the time that I'm 18 to the time that I'm 36, the second life time. Time really is amazing, despite how wasteful we are of time, there's still enough for it to go around, time can be used to do creative or destruction actions. So lets recap what I have done from the time I was 18 to were I am today, 23.

At 18 I was poor, mentally challenged and too optimistic for my own good. And in four years time I have graduated from college with my BS/MBA. That's not an amazing feat my any standards, many people have done much more, while I was stuck in college. Lets just call it a rights of passage and move on, people. I have also made a few life long friends, went on some amazing road trips, and got my heart broken a few times. Not bad right? And the best part is, I'm still alive to do some more damage. The last 4.5 years have been pretty crazy, and yet, that's the high level summary in just a paragraph. It was pretty easy, I knew from the get go what I wanted to achieve during those four years, and I would have to say I got most of them completed and then some.

23-25 What will become of me? I have no game plan, I have no road map, I have no direction, and get I'm still going. I still yearn to learn, although not to the extent of the good old college days, continuous lifelong learning is a clear objective for me. I have already taken the first step by applying and getting accepted to Iowa State University for Fall 2009. Yay! Now I just have to figure out what classes I can take, and how I'm going to pay for it. My employer is helping out, but it would be a free lunch. I still have to see what classes I can take in the evening, or weekend, or if I can persuade my boss to allow for some half days just so I can go to class. Will that work out beautifully or will it all backfire? I don't know yet, it's going to have at least 6 more months before I know anything.

School sucks I know that! It's over rated, and yet it works really well for me. I thrive in that environment and I learn really well under the guise of an instructor. I don't know why, but I'm just that kind of person, I can learn most anything in a "classroom" setting. Maybe I just like to play the school boy role. I want to get stickers, candies, Awesome A+, and rewards. Yeah, I'm crazy like that, but it works for me, the little words of encouragement, the acknowledgment of a job well done.

This time around though, I promise it's going to be way more fun. Not that I didn't have fun the first time around. This second round is just so much more rewarding, I don't have to stress out about grades, or the prospect of finding a job. I'm doing it for me, the intellectual curiosity, the mental challenge. It's going to to be amazing, I can taste it! Yum!

Tags: Student, Life, Teacher, College

My heart is heavy, I feel uncomfortable, hot, hazy, racing, thinking, feeling, wanting. I want his acknowledgement, as if his acknowledgement can somehow validate my very existence. Brandon YES! I want you to acknowledge me. Across the bar, he looks up, he’s looking into my eyes. Does he like what he sees? He smiles, I melt. OMG he smiled at me, the girl in me is jumping up and down. He walks towards me, then he stops and talk to some guy. Fuck! He smiled that that guy, who the hell is he?

Jerkface! Okie I’m just going to ignore him for the rest of the night, I need to get out of there and get some air. The old air outside is refreshing, the slight wind cuts at my face, hey at least it’s making me feel something. I’m cleary disappointed at the world, at myself. Why do I suck so much at attracting cute guys? Baa. I’ll even settle for attracting average gusy with a cute butt, perky chest, and broad shoulders. Here I go again, making a laundry list of things I want in a guy.

I’m sipping away at my Sex on the Beach, God this stuff is fabulous, out of control, I could use a few more. How I dislike going clubbing alone, the pressure to meet and greet, to smile, to engage in small talks, eyes gazing, looking, wanting. If eyes could talk, have you ever felt like someone was pealing away at your clothes? Yeah, they can do that. I’m clearly terrible at picking up racks of meat, or even bones. There are lots of bags of bones at gay clubs. So here I am, not having a good time, thinking about Mike, gosh what a stud. Oh Mikie, he’s another story.

As my mind was trailing off somewhere, Brandon came out for a smoke. Gawd, why does all the cute guys have to smoke? He was really cute in his transient state, having a good time. We made eye contacts again, he smiled. Okie, he was totally smiling at me this time, there wasn’t anyone else there. I just wanted to say hi, and introduce myself in real life. Why am I such a wimp? While I was contemplating and have conversation with myself in my head. I look over and this guy was just puffing away at his almost finished cigarette. Wow he smokes fast, or has it been like 5 minutes already? Why did he have to come outside and ruin my mood? I was so enjoying my Sex Drink.

Then Brandon went back inside, sadness, my last opportunity to say hi. Why didn’t he say hi? He could have asked me to dance, so many things we had talk about could have happened. Nothing! The story of my life. Me watching my life pass by in front of me. You think that the story would end there right? Well sorta. No he didn’t end up taking me home and had his way with me. I went home, semi drunk, and went online chatting away. Then a messaged pop up, I wasn’t even going to respond. But it was Brandon. I wanted to ask why he didn’t say something to me at the club. Why he didn’t acknowledge that we knew each other? I guess he could be thinking the same. We’ve told each other so many things, we know we like each other, and then we just freeze in real life. This has happened to me so many times, with so many guys. Okie. I think I’ll just cyber smack Brandon in the head and sign off. Poor guy he’ll be so confused, I’ll just apologize tomorrow, right now my head is thumping, and I want to make out with the guy in my head.

Tags: Love, Relationship, Sexuality, Gays

I really like the idea of having you as my boyfriend. Maybe it will work out grand, or maybe it will turn into quicksand. Either way until reality hits, we’ll be in love in my head. I look for you everywhere, are you the guy I see every morning on the subway, the one with the wavy hair and colorful hat, are you the one across the street walking your little dog with little feet, are you the one smiling at me at pottery barn, are you the one buying me drink at the bar, so you can take me to your car, are you the one I chat with every night silently without light, Are you the one? Sigh.

When I’m cold and lonely the idea of you, wanting you intensify in my head. I wrap myself under five layers of cotton plush warm feathers, to hide to snuggle against the wall and the corner of my bed. I fall asleep and you are there in my dreams, we kiss, we play, we run around like little kids, wet feet, wet sand.

I’m 23 and you could be someone close to my age, young and youthful, spirited. Or you could be older, experienced, musky, and strong. It really doesn’t matter as long as we have love. I’ve been with a few guys old than myself who have big arms and big feet. Some I like intensely, some really liked me. I would even hazard to confess that I’ve even been in love a few times. So much so that I got my heart tossed around like salad, I have cried myself to sleep, held on to him and begged him not to leave. I loved him so much, beyond myself. He didn’t feel the same way. I forgive him.

After that diatribe and messy breakup, I didn’t think that I could ever fall in love again. We don’t get to choose when and where we fall in love and it was 7 months later that I began talking with this blue eye boy. I just wanted to say hi, and asked him how he was doing. It was completely happenstance, I had no intention of like him more than a friend, he was a thousand miles away, we had gone to the same school for 4 years. I never met the guy. And then I fell in love, I fell in love with Kyle. And I guess he felt something for me as well. We met, it didn’t work out. I had allowed myself to love, and love struck me like lightning to a metallic rod. It was one of those things that just didn’t work out, he’s moved on, I’m happy for him. I’m exploring the ideal of having a boyfriend, hopefully this time it will be grand and not just quicksand.

Tags: Love, Life, Gays